Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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