i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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