im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
