anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
