I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
