I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Four minutes until I can fart!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
