Nicole vs. Life
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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