Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
