The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
