cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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