I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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