lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
