I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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