i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
