the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
