Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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