??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just had sex bonerless
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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