Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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