sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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