Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
