then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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