true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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