I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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