The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
