he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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