Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
porn star boner night. come get it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
