Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
