My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
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