My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
