You're so nebulous sometimes
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
