i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
