I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
