I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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