how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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