I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
