his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
