Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
