Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
