I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
