So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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