i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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