The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
