Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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