I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
