remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
