dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's official drugs can't kill me
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
