If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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