the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
