A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
