Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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