I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
