I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
